Three Years!

Three years ago today, I stood in the little alcove in between the foyer and the sanctuary of our church and listened to my groom welcome the guests who had come to our wedding. I leaned in as he told them the story of how God had brought us together. It was the fulfillment of a dream ... not only the lifelong dream of finding the man I would commit myself to, but also the fulfillment of a very literal dream. Two years prior to our wedding I was suffering from broken-heartedness and lots of confusion. A relationship that I hadn't thought would end, had. I had traveled all over Europe with two of my friends and experienced one of the greatest months of my life; and while it had helped to settle my heart about who God had created me to be, the trip had done little to clear up the confusion in my head about relationships and what was best for me.

In the midst of all this turmoil, there was one brief moment of clarity that was granted me. At some point during that summer of 2004, I had a dream that it was my wedding day. In the dream, I could not see the face of my groom because he was surrounded by a group of my friends; but I could hear him as he excitedly told them about our relationship and our joy. When I awoke from the dream I was terribly curious about who this mystery groom was ... I only knew that he was not the fellow I had previously dated. Two years later I stood, listening to Josh, as he excitedly told all of our friends and family our story. Just as in the dream, I could not see his face, but I knew that moments later the doors would open and I would fix my eyes on his face as I walked down the aisle to him.

It has been three years since I stood, grinning, as I listened to that story. Little did I know then how much of my life I would spend hanging out at the back of rooms and grinning as I listen to Josh tell stories. (note: I just realized the previous sentence makes Josh sound like an attention-hog ... he's not. Since he's a pastor for 4th-6th graders, he just happens to spend a lot of times at the front of rooms, telling stories.) We have had a wonderful life together, thus far. Josh makes me laugh on a daily basis and knows me better than I thought I could be known.


Here's to us, honey, and the thousands of stories we have yet to live.

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A Plug for Gran Torino

So, I'm a little behind the times. I finally watched Gran Torino this weekend with Josh. I thought it was going to be one of those shoot-'em-up movies that I watch with him on occasion to build up equity for the rare times I really want him to watch a chick-flick or old musical with me.


Oh my goodness ... I was wrong.

I loved that movie. My expectations of the movie were so low that when we first turned it on I was sort of busy doing other projects while I watched; but it did not take long for me to get completely sucked into the story. Since Josh works at a church and I'm never sure who reads this, I feel compelled to say that if you are offended by, um, offensive language in movies, you probably shouldn't watch this. I do not recommend it to you. If not, I totally recommend it. What a story.

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Beautiful Anticipation, Part 2

So, back around Easter I mentioned that I had three major themes I had been processing through during the Lent season. I even wrote about one of the themes - how amazing it is that Jesus took ALL of our sin into His body when He was crucified. How gruesome and awesome. Then I got stuck. I have really been lacking in motivation to write things down/type things out. A Bible study that I'm currently taking part in has forced me to realize that I have slipped into a yucky habit of working really hard at work - draining myself, in fact - and then coming home and totally zoning out. Just absolutely going braindead (read: watching loads of t.v. or pointlessly surfing the internet). I've really gotten into a survival rut, and I feel it in my bones. It takes work to thrive, rather than just survive. It doesn't take really hard work, though, just intentionality. Autopilot is not a good mode to live in, and I've definitely been living there the last couple of months. Jesus said, "come to me all you who are weary & burdened, and I will give you rest." I haven't been doing a great job of doing my meager part of that equation ... the coming. So, instead, I've just been going about my weary & burdened way. It's hasn't been very healthy for my soul, but I think I'm snapping out of it.

So, now that I'm attempting to exercise my newfound motivation, I would like to complete my thoughts from Easter, if you don't mind. No matter that it was 2 1/2 months ago, right? The second theme the Lord laid on my heart during the Lent season was the futility of my own good works. One of the most difficult things about my job at the advocacy center has been realizing that nothing we can do is ever enough. Yes, the advocates can do an excellent job of working with the families and helping them find services and resources; but they can't make sure that every need is met. The forensic interviewers can skillfully interview the children and can sometimes get great, detailed disclosures; but they can't make children who are too intimidated by their abusers open up and tell the truth. The nurses can be incredibly kind and encouraging; but lots of times there is no medical evidence of abuse to be found. The investigators & attorneys can work so hard to gather witnesses' testimonies, put together the pieces of the puzzle, arrest, prosecute, etc.; but they cannot ensure that justice will always be done. The other therapists & I can hopefully help the nightmares to lessen and some of the dignity to be restored; but we cannot heal the deep heart wounds. Even when every member of our team is on top of their game and the entire process goes as well as it possibly could; none of us can take the ashes that the victims and their families carry with them and make beauty out of them. We might be helpful, but we are not transformational.

As I pondered this in light of the great resurrection of Jesus, my eyes were opened in a new way to the words of Isaiah 64:6:
" ... all our righteous acts are like filthy rags ..." I've known this verse since I was a little girl. I've known that, compared to the glory of God, my best efforts look like dirt. This spring, though, a new mental image was birthed in my mind to accompany this verse. You know how when you spill a lot of liquid, like a 2 liter or something, and you try to sop it up with paper towels it just sort of sloshes the liquid around and you end up smearing the mess further ... and with a handful of sopping wet towels? Well, that's how I've started seeing my righteous acts. My co-workers and I may be able to absorb some of the evil that our clients have experienced. We may be able to sort of push it around a little, but we cannot make it disappear. Since our center opened nine years ago, prosecutions against child abusers in our county have gone up 2000%. That's right, two thousand (in case you thought I accidentally typed too many zeros). So, you know, that's a lot of people doing some really good stuff. Put the bad guys behind bars, and all of that. Now, I'm not trying to downplay how awesome it is when justice happens. It feels REALLY good when I get to hear that one of my clients' offenders will be serving time for 25 years. However, as great as that is, it really doesn't fix anything. It squeegees some of the evil into a prison cell, but it doesn't heal or restore anything. A bad guy going to jail does not erase what was inflicted on the child. It does not restore innocence and the feeling of safety that the family once had.

That's why I think systems never work. I saw a preview on t.v. the other night for a new show called "The Philanthropist". It appears to be about some guy who has gobs of money and chooses to do wonderful things for others with it. As I watched the preview I thought, "you know, that's great. We should all aspire to be generous and world-changers, but even if I had all the money in the world I could ever want and all the wisdom to know how to use it best, I still could not expunge evil from the earth." And evil is the problem. So that's why Easter was so magnificent to me this year. It is magnificent because it is a celebration of the only One who is Transformational. He does transform death to life. He does transform ashes into beauty. He does transform gaping wounds into glorious strengths. My life is forever His because He has graciously chosen to transform me.

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A Gentle Soul

I just finished having a conversation with one of the Arkansas State Police officers who is housed in the building where I work. He's a fantastic man with incredible stories of the many years he worked as an investigator into homicides and other awful crimes in California, and now he investigates child abuse here in Arkansas. The other girls I work with and I often leave the lunch room with wide eyes and mouths agape after hearing his wild stories.

This street-smart, well-seasoned officer just left my office after telling me about the flock of chickens that he and his wife have raised from chicks. He grinned as he talked about the one that follows him around and jumps up to sit in his hand when he lowers it near the ground. He told me they are all named after Jane Austen characters.

Most of the things I hear in my job are pretty horrible and numbing, but Bob's chickens are a good reminder to me that a soul hidden in Jesus can stay gentle no matter how much evil it witnesses.

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Brisket & Bike Dates

So, I have great aspirations of posting at least once a week, but this spring that just has not been a reality. Maybe I'll get there eventually, but life is just so busy right now that it feels like the weeks just fly by. This week was especially busy and wonderful ...
Sunday:
*Purchase of road bike from a man on Craigslist (I have REALLY been wanting one ever since I did a triathlon on a mountain bike last year. It was very discouraging to watch other racers coast past me as I furiously pedaled to keep my bike's chunky frame moving. Anyway, we finally found a great deal on one & it was well worth the wait!)

*Baby shower for K-tina! It was so fun to get to celebrate Baby E with Kristina. Since she lives in London it's hard to celebrate the little day-by-day changes that she's going through as she & Rhys await the birth of their firstborn, but I'm so glad I got to take part in the baby party!
* Community group at our house! This may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but Josh and I have had such chaotic/weird/disorganized living situations for so long that getting to have our small group Bible study finally meet at our own home was wonderful!

Wednesday:
*I made my first brisket (which was not a highlight of the week, as it was a bit dry) for a big dinner to celebrate the Williams' visit to the States. It was so fun to get lots of our old college friends together & hear how God has been directing everyone's lives.



Friday:
* A couple of days ago, I attended a fascinating conference on sand tray therapy. I tend to be a bit skeptical about strange sounding forms of therapy, mostly because lots of them are quite strange. So, I went into the conference a little doubtful that I would actually get anyting useful out of it, but I ended up loving it! I'm sure at some point I'll end up posting a more detailed explanation of how it works, so I'll just leave it at that for now.
*Bike date! Now that I finally have a road bike & can keep up with Josh a bit better than I could on the mountain bike, we have decided to try to bike instead of driving as often as possible. So, Friday night we biked down the road a few miles to the nearest ice cream shop & then over to the movie theater to see The Soloist. This was an excellent movie that I highly recommend to anyone. Not only was the story wonderful, but the acting was amazing, as well. Jamie Foxx & the other actors/actresses who portrayed mentally ill individuals did such a great job that at times I could actually SMELL my old job (where I worked with chronically mentally ill adults). The movie brought back lots of memories of trying to coax my paranoid schizophrenic clients into meeting with me; or worse, trying to convince them to sign their treatment plans ("no, signing this paperwork does not give us permission to do experiments on you/kill you/lock you up/etc., it just gives me permission to keep being your counselor").

So there you have it ... a few excuses for why I haven't blogged lately :)

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